Finding the Dominant Within
So you want to learn how to be a Dominant. What do you know about being a Dominant or channeling your desires for Domination? If you’re a novice to the scene, the only reference you may have to the idea of a Dominant, whether male or female, is probably governed by mainstream representations. Fifty Shades of Grey, that one Dominatrix in Zoolander, and countless other portrayals of Dominants in shows, movies and books reveal sinister, rigid profiles of mysterious men and woman that domineer over everything in their path. But is this what a Dominant is really all about?
Mainstream media’s portrayal of most stuff is usually inaccurate, the idea of a Dominant being no exception. The Dominant is not this severe, cold and stern figure dressed head-to-toe in leather or latex. The Dominant within doesn’t always manifest through sadomasochistic activities. The Dominant is multidimensional, multifaceted, and most certainly powerful. But what makes a Dominant powerful, and what characteristics do Dominants share? Are their different kinds of Dominants? How do I channel my own inner Dominant? In this article, we will discuss the importance of confidence as a Dominant and how to actualize your own Dominant energy.
Finding Dominant Energy:
Every Dominant is unique, and each exerts their Dominant power and energy in a particular way. This Dominant energy is attained by exuding the confidence within. Finding your own Dominant energy starts with developing your own sense of confidence. So naturally, the making of a Dominant involves developing inner confidence. Developing confidence can be difficult and elusive for some, while for others it can be a walk in the park. It all depends on what ‘being confident’ means to you. Does it mean being self-assured or fearless? Does it mean understanding your limits and desires? Whatever being confident means to you – make a list, write it out. Once you have a list of what you think being confidence means to you, take a moment or two to self-reflect: Are you your own definition of confidence? Do you match your own idea of confidence? Why or why not?
If you don’t believe you’re confident or have the confidence you want, reflect on the reasons why. Are you insecure? Are you filled with self-doubt? Are you unhappy with your self-image? Are you afraid of ridicule? The first step in achieving confidence is believing in your own abilities. Practice self-love and self-respect. Know your worth and the value in your own unique beauty. Believe that you have the ability to be whoever you want to be, and to do whatever you want to do. Explore your kinky desires, strengths and weaknesses; the more you know about your own boundaries the more confidence you will have in keeping them. Understand that everybody makes mistakes; think of your mistakes in a positive light, and know that making mistakes is the essence of the learning experience. Throw the negative ideas and associations you have about yourself out the window – understand that they only prevent you from achieving the Dominant energy you want.
Realize that if you choose, you can have the power to attract submission, to make someone want to submit to your will. Realize that you are strong enough to find and maintain a Dominant headspace and to use that headspace to create a scene for the benefit of the submissive. Understand that as a Dominant, you undertake the responsibility of ensuring the sub’s well-being and safety; you are important. Acknowledge that your Dominant headspace benefits the submissive; it is the type of energy and dynamic they have been searching for. Understand that for subs, the Dominant energy you exert during a scene can serve as a therapeutic revival.
Understand that you define you own Dominant energy; that your Dominant energy not only positively affects you, but also positively affects your submissive.
The Characteristics of a Dominant:
- Confident: Like previously stated, Dominants are confident. A Dominant who is not confident is not a Dominant at all. But it’s important to make the distinction between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is important, but there’s fine line between confidence and arrogance. You do not want to be an arrogant Dominant, because arrogance tends to lead to self-centeredness. The whole point of taking on a Dominant role in BDSM is to care for the well-being and safety of the submissive while guiding them through a scene, and that can difficult if the Dominant is arrogantly focused on their own wants and desires. Be a powerful confident confidant for the submissive, not an arrogant narcissistic Dominant.
- Honest: Dominants are honest. They are honest about their desires, limits, fears, emotions, fantasies, and so on. Honesty is the foundation of trust, so a Dominant who wants to build trust between themselves and their sub must be honest in all regards. Successful Dominants have neither desire nor intention to lie.
- Authoritative: Dominants embody authority. Dominants are decisive and have the ability to give direction. Dominants motivate submission, they don’t command it. Successful Dominants radiate an authority that attracts subs and makes them want to submit.
- Empathetic: Dominants must have the ability to empathize, to be attuned to their sub’s feelings so as to ensure the sub’s safety. Dominants must be able to understand what the sub is experiencing as to be aware of non-verbal cues that could indicate the sub is nearing the end of their rope. A Dominant is able to empathize with their submissive both in a Dominant headspace and outside of it. A successful Dominant is able to empathize with their sub in subspace and outside of subspace, stripped from role-play from one person to another.
- Patient: Dominants are patient. Successful Dominants will never rush the process; they will never rush a submissive into submission. Dominants take their time getting to know and understand their submissives. Successful Dominants take their time developing relationships with submissives, and understand that setting up scenes properly takes time and care.
- Receptive + Understanding: Dominants listen; they are receptive and have the ability to hear and understand a sub’s concerns, fears, desires and limits.
- Compassionate: Dominants are compassionate, or at least have the ability to be compassionate toward their submissive. Dominants have the ability to relate to their submissive.
The essence of the Dominant is to be of service to the submissive. In their service, Dominants provide confidence, honesty, authority, empathy; patience, understanding, and compassion that help facilitate subspace for the submissive. These qualities appeal to the submissive which makes the submissive feel safe and secure, and also creates a certain type of energy that inspires the submissive to submit. Submission is not commanded but earned through trust built by the qualities of a Dominant listed above.
